I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
