Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
