I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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