it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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