Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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