At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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