Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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