This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
