dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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