I'm so fucking centered right now
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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