who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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