take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
