After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She's the barista slut.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This toilet bowl is my home.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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