she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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