Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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