Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
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Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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