driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
