I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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