Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
