You smell like a Billy Joel song
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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