apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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