I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
