It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
