Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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