I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
