Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
