Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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