too bad you live with your parents still
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
