I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
