Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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