i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
