I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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