I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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