I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
