Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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