We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
