the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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