he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
