You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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