I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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