You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
