He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
