Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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