Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
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Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
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drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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