Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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