I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
