Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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