How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
