that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
