Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
