Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize