I will die if light touches me.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize