At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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