As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
