Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just found puke in my bra..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
